i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
