Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
