hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
