He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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