so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
