I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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