Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
