The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
That accounts for only three of the penises
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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