In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
