Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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