Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
