i was rollin on her like bob the builder
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
