I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
