my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
