I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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