I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
