When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
