Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
