i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
