I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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