I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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