The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
