plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
