Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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