I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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