Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
