I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
