sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
