On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
