I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
