You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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