She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
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