he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
