lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
