Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
