Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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