I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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