the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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