So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
