your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
