my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Randomize
