I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
