god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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