dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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