my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
