piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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