Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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