im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
