I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
