i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
