two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
