id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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